Grown Up Time
You’re standing at the kitchen sink making up apple slices for morning tea, the breakfast dishes haven't been put away yet. The kids are still in their pyjamas. Your throat is sore from ‘negotiations’ with the children about a 2 dollar-shop toy dinosaur. You realise that you haven’t left the house for 48 hours (bloomin’ NZ rain!). Your husband calls from work to see how you are and you tell him in as many four letter words that your exhausted brain can muster. You do however, stop yourself from telling him that you have fantasised about disappearing to Fiji by yourself.
It’s about this time that you know that you really need to start prioritising time to be spent with other adults.
The first adult that you should invest most of your precious time in is your partner. I am not going to preach about ‘date nights’ as I believe this is just unrealistic when you have a new baby (and toddlers too). You are low on cash, energy and self-esteem. It is unrealistic however, to expect to be able to raise children without any social life or grown-up time whatsoever. I truly believe that you can achieve reconnection with your partner in as little as 10 minutes each day (I am not talking about sex as that is a whole other chapter!). Share a joke, a kiss, a cuddle. Eat breakfast or dinner together as often as you can – at the table, not in front of the telly – so you can talk to each other. It may be about the kids but who knows, it may even be about current events, work or celebrities. Yep, a conversation. It will remind you that the two of you are partners in life and are best of friends.
The second priority is your girlfriends. Unfortunately, they just move down the list the minute you gave birth. Even more so if they don’t have children themselves. Friendships are important for so many reasons. They gift you a sense of self, normality. Friendships combats isolation and lets face it; a wine, some chocolates and a good laugh with a friend can make all the difference to your otherwise crappy week.
A few tips to keep in touch:
- Remember their birthdays. Red pen on the kitchen calendar.
- Try and make a time each day (baby nap times/lunch break) where you can tap out an email or text or letter to keep in touch with one of them. Some times actually talking on the phone can be too time-consuming!
- If you have a Coffee Group, try to go to them. Humour with other mums is such good therapy and a great way to make new friends.
- It is not impossible to catch up for coffee, lunch, dinner but it will take a lot more organising than it use to.
And finally, and controversially so, make time for your family. Why are family last on the list, you ask? Because if you are close with your immediate family and in-laws then they are around regardless and don’t need you to organise this formally. If you are not close to your family then their presence will most likely cause you anxiety and arguments with your partner so best to avoid it anyway.
Top tips for grown-up time
- Store up those sacred couple memories. Tap into these memories when the going gets tough!
- Try not to neglect a relationship with your partner when two becomes three. Remember what it is that you love about your partner outside their roles as a parent.
- Sexual healing – make time to make love
- Invest in your friends – try to get in touch at least once a month.
- Make time together – quality time. Forward planning is the key
- Remind yourself of what it is that you really enjoyed doing before you had children and you miss now. Do at least one of these regularly. It will boost your self-esteem and your identity.